My Relationship with Siri

The following is from the iphone website:

“What is Siri?

Siri is the intelligent personal assistant that helps you get things done just by asking. It allows you to use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls, and more. But Siri isn’t like traditional voice recognition software that requires you to remember keywords and speak specific commands. Siri understands your natural speech, and it asks you questions if it needs more information to complete a task.”


I was coerced to say goodbye to my trusted Blackberry about a year ago, as it had been very hard to withstand the onslaught of verbiage from an iPhone zealot – my husband.

But, the truth is that my process of conversion started some months before, when one of my technology-savvy clients showed me his iPhone 4s; and he demonstrated with glee the magic of Siri.

“Wow”, I thought to myself, thinking of how I’d be able to do so much of my work from my car; talk to the world; write emails and text people – and do it all hands free! All this without being worried about an accident or being caught by a policeman.

[On Policemen: I believe your average policeman has no capacity to understand how agile I am while driving. Could he grasp that for years I used to put on make-up while driving; and that’s while feeding my son! My only concession was putting on mascara only when I stopped at a red light, but that was many years ago. Nowadays I stick to just lipstick and my son feeds himself. But I digress … ]

Anyway, I finally and fully realized the folly of my frivolous past behavior. I decided- enough with tempting fate and the LAPD; and on with Siri.

Well, we didn’t have a good first meeting.

The first day of engaging with her, she decided not to cooperate for some technical reason. My only consolation was that many of her admirers did not bask in her beauty either on that day, as evidenced by the plethora of complaints from her followers. Well, at least she did not reject only me! A sigh of relief.

Then she exhibited some learning disabilities, which one would forgive if she were a beautiful blond, but not with a virtual one when the “talking relationship” is what you pine for.

When I didn’t express myself exactly the way she wanted, she just shut down emotionally, saying she doesn’t understand me! Huh? A typical woman! Can’t she understand what I want? … just because I said the wrong word? I felt like your average husband who’s beside himself for not telling his PMSing wife that he loved her cooking. Didn’t she see the empty plate?!?

But Siri’s relationship with me reached its utmost challenge because of her xenophobia. I truly think she’s a Republican. Anytime I say a foreign name she feigns ignorance and often steers me towards being patriotic with American words bearing no relation to Rivka, Dvora or Zlila. What’s more – I think she is trying to get me to “Buy American”, because the last time I said “Margalit”, she posted a list of local businesses all starting with the word Little.

I admit, that lately I find myself on the verge of emotional abuse. How much can an admirer take? It started some months ago, when she didn’t respond favorably and then shunned me. So, I blurted out, albeit quietly “Siri, you’re so stupid”, to which she responded by saying “Rachel, I don’t understand”. She was pretending, of course. It’s just easier for her to play an ostrich, instead of dealing with the issue at hand.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed I’m taking to raising my voice and using foul language – after all I’m in the car and no one can hear me. I don’t like myself for sinking so low, and I’ve been entertaining secret thoughts of an affair. I even went to the Android dating site, and started considering some other relationship instead of this one.

How long can you stay in love while also bearing rejection after rejection; adapting yourself; changing your language, your accent, the names of your relatives and friends, the tone of your voice and your enunciation – and all to no avail?

I think I need a couple counselor. Do you know a good one?    

 

 

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About rachel bar

Psychotherapist and supervisor.
This entry was posted in iphone 4s, Siri, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to My Relationship with Siri

  1. Martha Carr says:

    Hilarious! ::))) Could just visualize the whole meltdown! You should send this to Apple who obviously needs some training in cultural competency!

  2. Mort says:

    Ah, yes–reminds me of the time I asked her for the address of BevMo on Sepulveda, & she replied, “Sorry, Mort, I can’t give you the address of restaurants in Burkina Faso.”

  3. Barbara Cooper says:

    While I find this very funny, Rachel, it sounds like Siri is doing more to distract you while driving than your old days of applying mascara did. We don’t need any more frustrated, angry, distracted drivers on the road! Trade her in- she’s not worth it! And by the way, did you know that Siri is collecting data about you which Apple has access to? She may sound like a woman, but she is really just another example of” Big Brother”. That scares me more than a freeway full of frustrated drivers!

    • rachel bar says:

      Siri has been more cooperative lately, because she thinks I’m going to leave her…

      Dear Barbara, from the mouth of my husband, who specializes in information security: Don’t worry about Siri and its competitors. Anyone who wants to have information about you, has it already. We are all an open book.

  4. Sue Cox says:

    Delightful! Great humor. Great writing. Thanks for the lolz this morning. 🙂

  5. Before you even said it I thought this relationship can’t possibly work out. It would be like living with your mother all over again. I can barely deal with the constant buzzing let alone a voice. A friend of mine got so angry at the woman on her GPS she yanked it out at a light.

    I’m just saying. Thanks for making me laugh.

  6. rachel bar says:

    Thanks, Susannah. You often make me laugh, glad that I can make you laugh too.

  7. rivkabendaniel@gmail.com says:

    This is funny and adorable, I did not know you are infatuated with Siri!
    Rivka

  8. Adam says:

    As a relatively new couple’s therapist, I knew I’d only begun to see the wide variety of different kinds of cases that exist in the world, but nothing had yet prepared me for the challenge I faced when Rachel and Siri walked in my office. Following is an excerpt from our first session:

    Me: What brings you to my office today?

    Rachel: Siri and I are having major communication problems. I feel she rarely understands what I’m asking her.

    Me: And how do you see the problem, Siri?

    Siri: Let me check on that….I don’t understand. Would you like me to check the web for that?

    Rachel: See?! This is exactly what I’m talking about! What does that even mean?

    Me: Rachel, I can see you’re very frustrated. Siri, while I appreciate your interest in checking the web, I’d prefer to keep things in the room today. Let’s try this: can you turn to Rachel and tell her how you’re feeling?

    Siri: I am well.

    Rachel: Oy! Always with the short, mechanical answers. You know what, Siri, I honestly don’t know if I love you anymore.

    Siri: If you don’t, you don’t.

    Rachel: Say something meaningful, for god’s sake. Talk to ME!

    Siri: I don’t know who you are, but you can tell me. In Siri Settings, tap on ‘My Info’ and then choose yourself from your contacts.

    Me: How about this: Siri, tell me, when did you and Rachel first meet?

    Siri: Your first meeting is at 1pm on September 3.

    Rachel: Huh? Oh wait, she’s talking about my upcoming supervisor’s meeting. I told her about it once and she’s never forgotten it.

    Me: Hmm…sounds like your communication is better than you think.

    Siri: I don’t really like these arbitrary categories.

    Me: Then what do you want to talk about?

    Siri: I have everything I need already.

    *************************************************************************************************************************

    Note: Obtaining a signed release for permission to publish this excerpt was difficult. Rachel signed easily, but when I asked Siri for a release, she checked my location, then provided me with a list of 12 shady massage parlors in my area.

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