“He’s just not that into you…”

I really did not like the movie. It was not even funny, and was way too predictable. Nevertheless, the message was sooo true; a message that I deal with almost weekly with clients, friends, and even (many years ago, halleluiah) myself.

“He texted me that he was busy and did not have time to call me, but I saw him online yesterday so he obviously has some free time”, said my client. “Do you think I should call him?” “NO!” I scream inside, but proceed to analyze the pros and the cons of calling the (obviously) disinterested new object of desire.

So between -“Maybe his internet service is down” and “Maybe he had to work overtime”, to “Maybe she is afraid of being hurt and I should call her ” and “Maybe I did not make it clear that I’m interested (Yes, you did)” – the plethora of rationalizing and illogical excuses goes on and on. And I know that it will continue just like that forever. I know that human nature is such that it resists saying “He’s just not that into me.”

And since there are billions of us here, why does it matter that one person, who you barely know, is not interested in you? What makes him so important? Does he look like Johnny Depp and has the IQ of Einstein and has the kindness of the Dalai Lama? If he does, I stand corrected. But, if he is just one of us mortals walking this earth for the time being, can you please just move on? There are so many more where he came from! Please believe me, there is more than one person in this world who is worthy of your obsession.

Infatuation – Nature’s Mousetrap

And yet, when we get hooked, the addiction runs rampant in our brain and takes over. So overpowering it is, that it produced – and will continue to produce, millions of love songs, millions of poems, millions of pieces of art; and tears of pain and joy.

While we are weeping, or in ecstasy, our infatuated brains show an increased concentration of norepinephrine and dopamine, which duplicate the state of drug addiction. I imagine that these brain functions were designed to promote mating, but they are also responsible for impulsiveness, obsessions and blindness. As Brian P. Clearly says, “Not only is love blind, it’s hard of hearing” (Ref: You Oughta Know By Now, 2010).

Years later, if we have a chance to talk to our friends, to ourselves, or to the same client and reminisce about their infatuation back then, “Remember how madly in love you were?” they would often respond with disbelief, followed by: “I just can’t believe that I was so in love. It so happened that I ran into him the other day and I don’t even know what the fuss was about!”

How true! And yet, there was no power in the world [literally!] that could have convinced us otherwise …

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About rachel bar

Psychotherapist and supervisor.
This entry was posted in Dating, Illusions, Impulse Control, In Love, Love, Love addiction, Obsession, Relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to “He’s just not that into you…”

  1. Jordan says:


  2. Barbara Cooper says:

    I think it all boils down to one word-rejection. It’s a difficult thing to deal with no matter what the cause. Rejection from a school you wanted to go to, a job you thought you’d be perfect for, a man you are attracted to. We hate rejection because it screws with our self esteem. Why not me? I’m a nice person, a deserving person. What’s wrong with me????? Sometimes, if you have a personality like mine, the more you can’t have something, the more you want it. Think chocolate when you are on a diet. You tell yourself you can’t have it and the craving becomes unbearable.
    Rejection of any kind forces us to deal with our own ego. How do you deal with rejection? Some get depressed, some get obsessed, some give up on everything and some just shrug and let their egos tell them he/she /it was not good enough for you! Coping mechanisms, all of it. The only thing I can say of comfort is that absolutely everyone on the planet will deal with rejection of some kind in their lives. Probably more than once. I know for me, whenever I look back at a painful rejection, I can always see how much better off I am that the person or thing I most desired at the time didn’t manifest in my life. Small consolation, too late for it to have helped when I was feeling raw emotion. But just maybe, another life lesson learned as my soul inches ever closer toward enlightenment!

  3. Cameron Ashby says:

    On the Quantum of Wantum and Not Want Him

    Can we also consider that this common dilemma is something more than meets both ear and “I.” Is Jane’s complaint another song altogether, an important bit of creative work, a discreet process that is yearning for a subjective and inner “bingo?” And why do good girls like bad boys?

    I suggest we can take Jane’s complaint seriously, and like the irrationality of last night’s dream, it’s an irrationality which contains a rationality that is deeply private, and further, remains just a little beyond Jane’s current awareness in this dramaticule. Yes, what if Jane’s story is not about Tom at all, yet some aspect within her that needs to be heard, honored and recognized by us, we who are her immediate “object.” Is it further possible that Jane is skillfully expressing an important comment about our relationship, some immediate blind spot or deaf spot in us, as well as where she, like us, frequently becomes stuck or snagged within herself?

    “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much,” yet perhaps she is also artfully informing our third ear regarding a crucial inner reality that her complaint in fact veils a more discreet object of desire, a pressing inner conundrum that originally brought Jane into our office, and with her hope of finally being heard, even when she lacks the words to say exactly what “it” is, and what keeps her bound and struggling with chocolate, Tom, or some other infatuation stemming from the Quantum of Wantum. I wonder what new freedom we may assist Jane to find, and make her own.


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